My storm cloud.

Anger requires a lot of energy. Some people seem quite worthy of this energy to begin with for whatever reason, but it can eat into your life in ways you never expected and before you know it you are just sat there seething with a storm cloud raging over your head over something that happened months ago that you can’t seem to evict from your memory. That’s where forgiveness comes in.

I have never really understood forgiveness. Growing up I thought it was something spontaneous, that you just said “I forgive you” and that was it, you had successfully forgiven someone, but each time I said that it felt less satisfying because I didn’t feel any better for it. Then someone barged their way into my life and instilled a level of anger I had never experienced before and I realised I was going to have to figure out how to forgive properly because after a year the storm cloud that followed me around was not letting up.

This baffled me for a long time. I read lots of self-help articles and followed all sorts of spiritual and uplifting blogs, and each time they mentioned forgiveness without explaining how then my storm cloud got a little more hostile, until it was blocking out all sunlight and all I could see was grey drizzle. Then I finally thought to stop looking for someone else to tell me how, and attempt it for myself.

I started by un-blocking the subject of my anger on all forms of social media, then eliminating the profanities that had worked their way into my pronunciation of her name, and then I tried viewing her as a human being whose flaws are simply different than mine. And I am rather astonished to say that it actually worked. There are now a few rays of sunlight poking through my storm cloud; I have breached its impenetrable wall of misery and am slowly becoming more rational and less determined to show my dislike for the individual. As much as I hate to say it, she taught me something.

So after years of confusion and skepticism I have finally figured out vaguely how to begin to forgive someone who has wronged me to that extent. You never know, a bit more practice and I might fathom how to forgive myself as well.

There is hope, and it is shining through my storm cloud with a brightness I never anticipated.

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