The man inside my head

There is someone living inside my head. For a while I believed for a while that it was my mum’s voice booming out from the depths of my mind – and I think it still is sometimes – but for the most part it is a little man who is very hyperbolic and very dramatic, and very loud. When I do things he doesn’t approve of then he informs me of his displeasure very quickly by shouting threats or just starting to scream. And I do mean scream. Sometimes when I am in a busy place with lots of people, the little man in my head begins to scream at full volume and it fills my head. And then all the noises around me become amplified and everything moves faster and this little man is sat in the back of my head grabbing at handfuls of nerves and messing with my senses and all I can do is run away from the situation and wait until it stops.

Even as I write this, the little man is sat in a darkened corner in an armchair muttering away to himself, occasionally shouting a word or two to remind me he is in there and I am not going to get away with anything tonight.

I used to go to a climbing centre every week. Then my brain decided to kick off and I was very ill for a very long time so I couldn’t go for a while, and then when I tried again a few months ago the little man screamed and screamed until he lost his voice (and took mine, too) and then he curled up into the foetal position and rocked gently back and forth for a few hours, whimpering softly. The little man gave berating me up as a lost cause for the evening, so I was pretty much free of him for a while, and I took full advantage of this. All he had done was take my voice, and I didn’t need that to climb a wall, so climb a wall is exactly what I did.

It was the first time I had properly managed to override the little man since he first appeared. I have done so again since, but it takes a lot of energy and I don’t particularly enjoy the aftermath once the adrenaline kicks in. But progress is progress!

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