Crap superpowers.

The things that go on in my brain somehow still don’t seem tangible enough to be called illnesses. I prefer to call them my crap superpowers. Like superhuman hearing. My ears can pick up on the words “sick” or “ill” from the other side of a room full chattering, but then I don’t catch a word of the rest of the sentence, so I have no idea what the context was and can only conclude that someone is unwell at that moment.

I can also read minds. If you are unwell to any magnitude, I WILL find out. I will pick up on it immediately and there is no way you can convince me it is not true. I can see headaches. I can see the bit before a cold develops when you have a bit of a sore throat. I can see everything, no matter how small.

On the up-side of these ‘superpowers’, I will never contract food poisoning from my own cooking. But unfortunately that is the only perceivable up-side in a mine field of negatives that infiltrate every waking moment.

We are now entering the time of year where my superpowers peak, and it scares me. For the past few weeks I’ve been having a lot of difficulty waking up, sleeping, and pretty much everything in between. When you’re afraid of the whole world things get a bit tricky. I’ve been trying to be a productive member of society and even got a job a few weeks back, but my brain has made that far more complicated than it ever should have been and so this Saturday will be my last day there, and then I’m hopefully going back to a more tolerable level of anxiety. With a bit of luck retreating back into my comfort zone will be able to shake a bit of the depression, too – I feel unbelievably tired for someone who sleeps 10 hours a day. I feel like gravity got stronger.

I like to try and make these posts a bit amusing or end them on a positive note, but I don’t really have a great deal of positivity in me at the moment… I’ve tried to go back to work after a year and a half off, and I’ve realised I’m not ready. I am having trouble dealing with the true extent of my mental health complications and independence not being a possibility for the foreseeable future. I miss my life so terribly.

Starting therapy again soon. Fingers crossed for better progress this time.

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