It’s not all doom and gloom, apparently.

I have started to change things. My god did I need to change things.

I am breaking rules a little at a time. I am proving that I can talk to people and they won’t hate me for disappearing for ages, I am proving that I can survive a short bus ride, and I am proving that I have some sort of value as a human being. I have started to look for actual grown up jobs that don’t revolve around a till (and some that actually put some use to that very expensive bit of paper I received from Uni) and yesterday I actually made a plan for this time next year. The fact that this time next year even exists in my wildest dreams is a magnificent prospect and I plan to take full advantage of it.

…not that my dreams have been particularly wild. Mainly socks and rain. They are getting more interesting again now though thankfully; dreams of making a cup of tea or changing a light bulb are things of the past it would seem. My vision is pretty much back to normal, too which came as a great relief – climbing a moving staircase at a train station was not fun, the road in front of me curling up (very similar to a scene in Inception) was not fun, and seeing different colours out of each eye was unlikely to ever prove helpful in any way.

And now I have an overwhelming desire to closely investigate the cocktail cabinet in celebration of having a really, really productive week!

And here’s my three happy things for today:
1. Socks.
2. Watching my mother and the dog napping in odd positions
3. Ordering vast quantities of books

Balance restored…for now.

thanatosviii:this is my cat his name is bandit feel free to use this reaction photo which ever way you want

Good grief last night was odd.. A few disturbing hallucinations later, normality appears to have resumed. Unless you count my Tumblr blog¬†which spawned a load of cat pictures in the middle of the night. I’m now hoping that my brain doesn’t decide to repeat last night as I have to be out in public this evening, but if it does happen than it will just make life a lot more interesting for everyone else in the restaurant – who wouldn’t want their dinner to be interrupted by some girl lying on the floor holding onto her head so it doesn’t fly off and muttering about cats?

I can tell you now, prescription medication has officially put me off ever taking recreational hallucinogens. If this is the legal stuff that doctors encourage then I am in no rush to find out what the stuff on the streets does.

Right. Enough of my mumbling, Happy Friday all!

This is my brain on drugs.

Day two on the increased dose has not been fun.

My head is empty. I feel ill and I am exhausted and distracted and irritable and don’t really feel like a person, the room keeps moving around me, my vision is blurry, and…and I forgot what my next point was going to be in the course of typing out the word “and”.

After some research I’ve concluded that this is something I should probably get used to. Have a feeling this might be a difficult few weeks.

I’m going to sleep. The world might stop tilting sideways by morning.

 

Intoxicated blogging is a bad idea.

Today I started a therapeutic dose of antidepressants.

Today I also went to the pub down the road and had too much to drink with my mum. 

When used infrequently, alcohol can teach us things. It can unlock emotions we had hidden and feelings we didn’t know about. It enables us to get closer with people than we would normally do – both of which I have achieved today – but intoxication can also be a sign of recovery.

Tonight I had three glasses of wine, and I did not erupt into paranoia. There are an uncomfortable number of people out there who can confirm that alcohol makes me paranoid and scared and irrational. But today I had more than usual, and I am feeling almost completely normal. I’ve tested this a few times since starting these pills, and have now concluded both that I have calmed down and that the medication is working.

It would appear that the days of me literally running out of bars in fear of everything and nothing are behind me, and this is a massive, huge jump of progress and I couldn’t be prouder!

This has been an enthusiastic blog written under the influence of some very nice wine, and with a lot of love in my heart.

The world might not be so bad after all.

Exposure.

Sometimes running away isn’t running away. Sometimes it can be acceptance that a situation was not healthy and sometimes it is wise to remove oneself before it becomes downright toxic.

I have moved back to my mum’s house. It’s been a long time coming. The final straw was realising that my fear of contamination was being spread to other people. This was absolutely not okay. I refuse to let it spread to other people. Humans need to experience germs, and the ones who can’t expose themselves need intermediate people who aren’t so careful. We need people to tell us to shut up when we ask if they’ve washed their hands since entering the room, or if anyone sneezed near them at work that day, or how many times they washed and rinsed that plate before using it. There’s a part of me that’s screaming as I write this because I would love to live in a little germless bubble for ever, but it is a fact that I need to drill into my head. I keep finding ways to further shrink my world and it is becoming unbearable.

So. I am at my mum’s. With people and dogs and chickens and “fridge experiments” and mud and dust. And I needed this.

Specks of silver.

I’ve now been on anti-depressants for a grand total of eight days, and I am already starting to notice my brain changing a bit. It’s odd, I never thought I would notice things changing and I was incredibly skeptical about taking anything at all, but the way that I think is actually beginning to change. And the side-effects have started to calm down thankfully, so it’s definitely found the right place now.

I started to notice little differences two days ago when I felt like me again for a few hours in the morning. I was able to get up in the morning, go to the shop, walk the dog, tidy some things…it was brilliant! I had accomplished all that before the time that I usually manage to extract myself from the world of the horizontal, and when my boyfriend came home for lunch we held a proper conversation, which is quite a rare occurrence at the moment unless it is the middle of the night. I have been a passive spectator to any form of conversation for a long time so this made a nice change.

Something similar has happened today, except it was not one chunk of normal but random bursts throughout the day interspersed with vacancy. I may have stayed in bed late, but when I got up I played with the dog for a while and chased her around the living room. I even found myself looking for jobs and feeling optimistic; I considered my future for a little while, which is an enormous jump from the beginning of last week when I did not feel I had one at all.

It’s still all ups and downs and I suddenly run out of energy every now and then, but this is massive progress even at this early stage on a tiny dose and I am astounded and thrilled.

This rain cloud is beginning to exhibit little tinges of silver around the edges!

Something in the air.

I have an enormous dislike for the month of January. I can feel the germs in the air circling their prey (me) and can seem them crawling about on anything I try to eat, and therefore I spend pretty much the entire month unreservedly suspicious of everything I encounter. The two redeeming qualities about January this year are that I do not have to go and sit in a room full of coughing people for any length of time, and that the media have been oddly quiet about any winter illnesses going around.

I am very much an outsider at the moment, skirting around the edges of life without delving too deep so I can avoid interacting with people unless absolutely necessary, and therefore minimising my contact with whatever undesirable microorganisms someone might be harbouring. I don’t like entering buildings, that kind of goes without saying, but even outdoors there are places I either won’t go or that I will run past whilst holding my breath because I saw something suspicious once upon a time. Like a drain that overflowed once somewhere along a dog walking route, or an open bus shelter with a stain on the floor I can’t explain convincingly. This interference makes life in winter a bit complicated and a bit frustrating – not least for my poor boyfriend who I have hardly gone near for four days without sterilising myself afterwards – but that is the nature of the beast that is OCD.

But regardless of the fact I am refusing to touch people or eat things or leave the house or whatever else, I am still here, I have not ran away, and I am somehow staying reasonably calm, especially in relation to this time last year. Maybe the medication is working?

Aaand some things I’m grateful for today:
1. The sun came out to hopefully dry up some of the floods
2. Chocolate cake (yep, somehow still some left!)
3. Lovely messages from people far, far away

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