Denial

I am on a mission of re-integration. Desperate to work again, I have been liaising with someone henceforth to be known as ‘Trevor the life coach’, who has been psyching me up and is helping me adjust back into the real world a little bit at a time. For some reason I’ve avoided working with agencies set up specifically to help people with the problems that I have until now; completely daft idea born of stubbornness and generally being a daft individual.

Denial is my go-to state of mind in times of adversity, and thus having a complicated brain is definitely worthy of denial. I do talk about it, I do tell people I have limitations, but the “it’s all in my head” mind set is somehow still lingering, trying to convince me that I can just stop this silliness whenever I like. It is this little voice somewhere inside the tangle of thoughts whizzing about my head that results in me taking completely inappropriate jobs and trying to run before I can even stand up.

It’s not even just the brain things that I try to deny until they go away; there is an extensive list of foods that my body cannot digest and that make me ill, and yet I still use them regularly and just suffer through the consequences. This is more understandable though; please imagine that one day you were told that you could never eat milk products, onions, tomatoes, garlic, fruit, and so, so many other things ever again. Now think for a moment: what on Earth can you eat?

I think it is a similar story with the anxiety problems, though; I have difficulties going outside, being inside, eating, being with people, being alone….what on Earth can I do? I can deny it. I can tell myself that it is all just a bit of attention-seeking, I defy my limitations, and I do daft things that set me back further. It makes it easier to live with.

But right now I’m not after easy. So I am not eating things I can’t eat, and I am working with people who teach people how to live with uncooperative brains.

Silence.

The medication has taken my emotions, and it is a greater relief than I could ever describe. The hostility in me has fallen silent, the anger turned to calm, and the depression has become peace and the anxiety has turned to….well, stress, but can’t win them all. The fact it appears to have taken some emotions I quite liked is already showing me that this will not always feel so advantageous, but it is the reprieve I have begged and prayed for every day for almost two years.

I don’t write a lot here at the moment largely because I don’t feel like I am the same person who started this blog; though perpetually tired I have infinitely more energy than I did back in October, I have my motivation back, and I actually have some sort of plan for my life now. At five weeks it is still early days, but to have these effects already is magnificent and I am full of hope as to what the next few weeks will bring. Hopefully it’s still messing about and the favourable emotions will come back when my brain settles down again, the continued presence of vertigo and really vivid dreams implies that it’s all still a bit clumsy up there.

I would say I have returned to my pre-breakdown self, but I haven’t really. I am very different to her, and that is a good thing. Despite the hellish experience, I think I kinda needed it.