All I eat is pudding, but I didn’t cry today!

I have emotions again!!!1!

They came back in a messy way; the bad ones first, then the intolerable ones, then the dangerous ones, and now the friendly ones, too. Bit of a rubbish time for it to happen, but I am pleased to say that I can feel this particular shitty situation like a normal human being and that what I’ve been experiencing the past week or so is grief and sadness but NOT depression. And this is good. This is healthy.

The meds are finally right, the new therapist is lovely, the major problem is isolated, my friends are incredible, and there is once more hope on the horizon. Today I even made plans for when I’m 25. 

Onwards and upwards!

Peace.

I’m in a war of swords and guns and all I have to fight back with is a wooden spoon.

My brain wants me dead. My brain tells me to close my eyes and  jump off bridges and play in traffic and let knives slip. It tells me these things in the same way it tells me to remove my hand from a hot oven tray; it seems like a sensible course of action. The dog is currently whining away at the bottom of the stairs thinking I hate her for skipping two walks now, but I don’t really trust myself to be that close to a road today.

Medication has increased to the maximum level and if I ever remember to call during daylight hours I am being referred to therapy again. I’m lonely and I’m scared and I’m dreading the winter.

But if Robin Williams could make it to sixty-three years old then I can hold on too. Bloody proud of that man.

Right. Update time!

I am still alive – we’re off to a good start – and barely hallucinating, I have acquired a job that actually pays me (I have no idea what I’m doing but it’s fiiiiiine…), I’ve gone out and done things and met people, and I have bought a pretty dress for no reason. I still have virtually no attention span but I’m coping with that well.

That’s life in a nutshell.

I’m doing well. I’ve been doing okay for a while, but I am finally doing well. I am good. I’m pretty great, actually! …says the person who is having to re-type most words due to shaking like a leaf on a windy day. But today’s shaky is caffeine related and not medication related OR brain related so it’s hardly even relevant!

So yeah.

I am doing really well, and it only took four months! 😀

I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell.

Three months in, and I appear to have reached the ’emotionless blob’ stage of antidepressants. The world around me is still wobbling and rippling, and someone’s turned the contrast way up. I feel weak. I feel faint – like I’m slowly vanishing, the way people do in films when they travel back in time and mess with their past and accidentally erase themselves. I have strong desires to do bad things and absolutely no desires in any other capacity at all.

Taking that little white drop of torture this morning was painful. But I could barely even stand up without it.

Where am I? I can’t find me anywhere.

Silence.

The medication has taken my emotions, and it is a greater relief than I could ever describe. The hostility in me has fallen silent, the anger turned to calm, and the depression has become peace and the anxiety has turned to….well, stress, but can’t win them all. The fact it appears to have taken some emotions I quite liked is already showing me that this will not always feel so advantageous, but it is the reprieve I have begged and prayed for every day for almost two years.

I don’t write a lot here at the moment largely because I don’t feel like I am the same person who started this blog; though perpetually tired I have infinitely more energy than I did back in October, I have my motivation back, and I actually have some sort of plan for my life now. At five weeks it is still early days, but to have these effects already is magnificent and I am full of hope as to what the next few weeks will bring. Hopefully it’s still messing about and the favourable emotions will come back when my brain settles down again, the continued presence of vertigo and really vivid dreams implies that it’s all still a bit clumsy up there.

I would say I have returned to my pre-breakdown self, but I haven’t really. I am very different to her, and that is a good thing. Despite the hellish experience, I think I kinda needed it.

This is my brain on drugs.

Day two on the increased dose has not been fun.

My head is empty. I feel ill and I am exhausted and distracted and irritable and don’t really feel like a person, the room keeps moving around me, my vision is blurry, and…and I forgot what my next point was going to be in the course of typing out the word “and”.

After some research I’ve concluded that this is something I should probably get used to. Have a feeling this might be a difficult few weeks.

I’m going to sleep. The world might stop tilting sideways by morning.

 

Specks of silver.

I’ve now been on anti-depressants for a grand total of eight days, and I am already starting to notice my brain changing a bit. It’s odd, I never thought I would notice things changing and I was incredibly skeptical about taking anything at all, but the way that I think is actually beginning to change. And the side-effects have started to calm down thankfully, so it’s definitely found the right place now.

I started to notice little differences two days ago when I felt like me again for a few hours in the morning. I was able to get up in the morning, go to the shop, walk the dog, tidy some things…it was brilliant! I had accomplished all that before the time that I usually manage to extract myself from the world of the horizontal, and when my boyfriend came home for lunch we held a proper conversation, which is quite a rare occurrence at the moment unless it is the middle of the night. I have been a passive spectator to any form of conversation for a long time so this made a nice change.

Something similar has happened today, except it was not one chunk of normal but random bursts throughout the day interspersed with vacancy. I may have stayed in bed late, but when I got up I played with the dog for a while and chased her around the living room. I even found myself looking for jobs and feeling optimistic; I considered my future for a little while, which is an enormous jump from the beginning of last week when I did not feel I had one at all.

It’s still all ups and downs and I suddenly run out of energy every now and then, but this is massive progress even at this early stage on a tiny dose and I am astounded and thrilled.

This rain cloud is beginning to exhibit little tinges of silver around the edges!

Previous Older Entries