Not broken, just bent.

I am little miss relapse. I am a flurry of bad decisions and strange dreams and unfriendly internal organs. I took a full time job, just for a month, and tomorrow I have to ask if I can leave early because it is making me ill to the extent that I am once more not allowed to operate machinery.

I feel naff. I feel sad. I feel heavy. When the courage arises I shall call my doctor and ask for more help, but that is for some reason proving a pretty difficult thing to do.

Any words/.gifs of encouragement would be greatly appreciated at the moment!


It’s not all doom and gloom, apparently.

I have started to change things. My god did I need to change things.

I am breaking rules a little at a time. I am proving that I can talk to people and they won’t hate me for disappearing for ages, I am proving that I can survive a short bus ride, and I am proving that I have some sort of value as a human being. I have started to look for actual grown up jobs that don’t revolve around a till (and some that actually put some use to that very expensive bit of paper I received from Uni) and yesterday I actually made a plan for this time next year. The fact that this time next year even exists in my wildest dreams is a magnificent prospect and I plan to take full advantage of it.

…not that my dreams have been particularly wild. Mainly socks and rain. They are getting more interesting again now though thankfully; dreams of making a cup of tea or changing a light bulb are things of the past it would seem. My vision is pretty much back to normal, too which came as a great relief – climbing a moving staircase at a train station was not fun, the road in front of me curling up (very similar to a scene in Inception) was not fun, and seeing different colours out of each eye was unlikely to ever prove helpful in any way.

And now I have an overwhelming desire to closely investigate the cocktail cabinet in celebration of having a really, really productive week!

And here’s my three happy things for today:
1. Socks.
2. Watching my mother and the dog napping in odd positions
3. Ordering vast quantities of books

Side effects.

The latest side-effects of mind control (otherwise known as escitalopram) include dreaming about making a cup of tea, and inanimate objects starting to move independently.

I was warned of “vivid dreams” but I was expecting them to be interesting ones. I can only reason that the drug affects sleep cycles as I have been waking up four or five times a night from dreams of mundane activities. Granted they are vivid to the extent that I am not always sure that they were dreams, but I would have like a more exciting dream than walking down the road or reading comments on this blog, as was the most recent.

The prize for most unusual side effect goes to “excessive yawning”. I laughed when I saw that on the list of common side effects and thought of the people who must have reported every little thing that they experienced over their treatment, but I have found yawns escaping every ten minutes or so for the past three days so I suppose I will let them off..

The most worrying side effect so far is apparently vertigo. I’ve never been sure exactly what vertigo is and have always associated it with thoughts of people falling off ladders, but apparently the term also applies to pillows, walls and carpets beginning to ‘breathe’. I don’t really know how to explain it beyond that; last night things around me began to expand and contract to their own rhythms as if breathing.

This might sound a bit mad coming from someone with extreme emetophobia, but nausea has become my favourite side effect. I like that there is a reason for it, and my mind can rest a little instead of stretching to the far corners of the abstract to find an unlikely, illogical cause for the sensation. I like not having to think about why I feel sick, it is rather liberating!

And some good things for the day:
1. Having internet back in the new house! I have missed it..
2. Conspicuously following people through the fruit and veg aisle
3. Chocolate cake (I needed to test drive the oven, of course)