Peace.

I’m in a war of swords and guns and all I have to fight back with is a wooden spoon.

My brain wants me dead. My brain tells me to close my eyes and  jump off bridges and play in traffic and let knives slip. It tells me these things in the same way it tells me to remove my hand from a hot oven tray; it seems like a sensible course of action. The dog is currently whining away at the bottom of the stairs thinking I hate her for skipping two walks now, but I don’t really trust myself to be that close to a road today.

Medication has increased to the maximum level and if I ever remember to call during daylight hours I am being referred to therapy again. I’m lonely and I’m scared and I’m dreading the winter.

But if Robin Williams could make it to sixty-three years old then I can hold on too. Bloody proud of that man.

Right. Update time!

I am still alive – we’re off to a good start – and barely hallucinating, I have acquired a job that actually pays me (I have no idea what I’m doing but it’s fiiiiiine…), I’ve gone out and done things and met people, and I have bought a pretty dress for no reason. I still have virtually no attention span but I’m coping with that well.

That’s life in a nutshell.

I’m doing well. I’ve been doing okay for a while, but I am finally doing well. I am good. I’m pretty great, actually! …says the person who is having to re-type most words due to shaking like a leaf on a windy day. But today’s shaky is caffeine related and not medication related OR brain related so it’s hardly even relevant!

So yeah.

I am doing really well, and it only took four months! 😀

Silence.

The medication has taken my emotions, and it is a greater relief than I could ever describe. The hostility in me has fallen silent, the anger turned to calm, and the depression has become peace and the anxiety has turned to….well, stress, but can’t win them all. The fact it appears to have taken some emotions I quite liked is already showing me that this will not always feel so advantageous, but it is the reprieve I have begged and prayed for every day for almost two years.

I don’t write a lot here at the moment largely because I don’t feel like I am the same person who started this blog; though perpetually tired I have infinitely more energy than I did back in October, I have my motivation back, and I actually have some sort of plan for my life now. At five weeks it is still early days, but to have these effects already is magnificent and I am full of hope as to what the next few weeks will bring. Hopefully it’s still messing about and the favourable emotions will come back when my brain settles down again, the continued presence of vertigo and really vivid dreams implies that it’s all still a bit clumsy up there.

I would say I have returned to my pre-breakdown self, but I haven’t really. I am very different to her, and that is a good thing. Despite the hellish experience, I think I kinda needed it.

Balance restored…for now.

thanatosviii:this is my cat his name is bandit feel free to use this reaction photo which ever way you want

Good grief last night was odd.. A few disturbing hallucinations later, normality appears to have resumed. Unless you count my Tumblr blog which spawned a load of cat pictures in the middle of the night. I’m now hoping that my brain doesn’t decide to repeat last night as I have to be out in public this evening, but if it does happen than it will just make life a lot more interesting for everyone else in the restaurant – who wouldn’t want their dinner to be interrupted by some girl lying on the floor holding onto her head so it doesn’t fly off and muttering about cats?

I can tell you now, prescription medication has officially put me off ever taking recreational hallucinogens. If this is the legal stuff that doctors encourage then I am in no rush to find out what the stuff on the streets does.

Right. Enough of my mumbling, Happy Friday all!

This is my brain on drugs.

Day two on the increased dose has not been fun.

My head is empty. I feel ill and I am exhausted and distracted and irritable and don’t really feel like a person, the room keeps moving around me, my vision is blurry, and…and I forgot what my next point was going to be in the course of typing out the word “and”.

After some research I’ve concluded that this is something I should probably get used to. Have a feeling this might be a difficult few weeks.

I’m going to sleep. The world might stop tilting sideways by morning.

 

Intoxicated blogging is a bad idea.

Today I started a therapeutic dose of antidepressants.

Today I also went to the pub down the road and had too much to drink with my mum. 

When used infrequently, alcohol can teach us things. It can unlock emotions we had hidden and feelings we didn’t know about. It enables us to get closer with people than we would normally do – both of which I have achieved today – but intoxication can also be a sign of recovery.

Tonight I had three glasses of wine, and I did not erupt into paranoia. There are an uncomfortable number of people out there who can confirm that alcohol makes me paranoid and scared and irrational. But today I had more than usual, and I am feeling almost completely normal. I’ve tested this a few times since starting these pills, and have now concluded both that I have calmed down and that the medication is working.

It would appear that the days of me literally running out of bars in fear of everything and nothing are behind me, and this is a massive, huge jump of progress and I couldn’t be prouder!

This has been an enthusiastic blog written under the influence of some very nice wine, and with a lot of love in my heart.

The world might not be so bad after all.

Specks of silver.

I’ve now been on anti-depressants for a grand total of eight days, and I am already starting to notice my brain changing a bit. It’s odd, I never thought I would notice things changing and I was incredibly skeptical about taking anything at all, but the way that I think is actually beginning to change. And the side-effects have started to calm down thankfully, so it’s definitely found the right place now.

I started to notice little differences two days ago when I felt like me again for a few hours in the morning. I was able to get up in the morning, go to the shop, walk the dog, tidy some things…it was brilliant! I had accomplished all that before the time that I usually manage to extract myself from the world of the horizontal, and when my boyfriend came home for lunch we held a proper conversation, which is quite a rare occurrence at the moment unless it is the middle of the night. I have been a passive spectator to any form of conversation for a long time so this made a nice change.

Something similar has happened today, except it was not one chunk of normal but random bursts throughout the day interspersed with vacancy. I may have stayed in bed late, but when I got up I played with the dog for a while and chased her around the living room. I even found myself looking for jobs and feeling optimistic; I considered my future for a little while, which is an enormous jump from the beginning of last week when I did not feel I had one at all.

It’s still all ups and downs and I suddenly run out of energy every now and then, but this is massive progress even at this early stage on a tiny dose and I am astounded and thrilled.

This rain cloud is beginning to exhibit little tinges of silver around the edges!

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