All I eat is pudding, but I didn’t cry today!

I have emotions again!!!1!

They came back in a messy way; the bad ones first, then the intolerable ones, then the dangerous ones, and now the friendly ones, too. Bit of a rubbish time for it to happen, but I am pleased to say that I can feel this particular shitty situation like a normal human being and that what I’ve been experiencing the past week or so is grief and sadness but NOT depression. And this is good. This is healthy.

The meds are finally right, the new therapist is lovely, the major problem is isolated, my friends are incredible, and there is once more hope on the horizon. Today I even made plans for when I’m 25. 

Onwards and upwards!

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Peace.

I’m in a war of swords and guns and all I have to fight back with is a wooden spoon.

My brain wants me dead. My brain tells me to close my eyes and  jump off bridges and play in traffic and let knives slip. It tells me these things in the same way it tells me to remove my hand from a hot oven tray; it seems like a sensible course of action. The dog is currently whining away at the bottom of the stairs thinking I hate her for skipping two walks now, but I don’t really trust myself to be that close to a road today.

Medication has increased to the maximum level and if I ever remember to call during daylight hours I am being referred to therapy again. I’m lonely and I’m scared and I’m dreading the winter.

But if Robin Williams could make it to sixty-three years old then I can hold on too. Bloody proud of that man.

Crap superpowers.

The things that go on in my brain somehow still don’t seem tangible enough to be called illnesses. I prefer to call them my crap superpowers. Like superhuman hearing. My ears can pick up on the words “sick” or “ill” from the other side of a room full chattering, but then I don’t catch a word of the rest of the sentence, so I have no idea what the context was and can only conclude that someone is unwell at that moment.

I can also read minds. If you are unwell to any magnitude, I WILL find out. I will pick up on it immediately and there is no way you can convince me it is not true. I can see headaches. I can see the bit before a cold develops when you have a bit of a sore throat. I can see everything, no matter how small.

On the up-side of these ‘superpowers’, I will never contract food poisoning from my own cooking. But unfortunately that is the only perceivable up-side in a mine field of negatives that infiltrate every waking moment.

We are now entering the time of year where my superpowers peak, and it scares me. For the past few weeks I’ve been having a lot of difficulty waking up, sleeping, and pretty much everything in between. When you’re afraid of the whole world things get a bit tricky. I’ve been trying to be a productive member of society and even got a job a few weeks back, but my brain has made that far more complicated than it ever should have been and so this Saturday will be my last day there, and then I’m hopefully going back to a more tolerable level of anxiety. With a bit of luck retreating back into my comfort zone will be able to shake a bit of the depression, too – I feel unbelievably tired for someone who sleeps 10 hours a day. I feel like gravity got stronger.

I like to try and make these posts a bit amusing or end them on a positive note, but I don’t really have a great deal of positivity in me at the moment… I’ve tried to go back to work after a year and a half off, and I’ve realised I’m not ready. I am having trouble dealing with the true extent of my mental health complications and independence not being a possibility for the foreseeable future. I miss my life so terribly.

Starting therapy again soon. Fingers crossed for better progress this time.